Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
