I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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