I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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