It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think I sprained my soul last night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
