It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
