My cat gives me a boner
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
