yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
