I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
