Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
