he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
