she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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