It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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