You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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