Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
only you would photoshop your dick
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
