My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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