I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
