alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
