I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
