My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
