Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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