Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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