Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
