In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we're making bets on your personal life
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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