so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
