Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
