She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
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doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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