So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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