I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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