just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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