In the future we'll all be gay
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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