I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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