dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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