so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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