i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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