I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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