So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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