Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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