the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
