He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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