I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
