My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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