We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
