i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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