Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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