You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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