he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
