i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
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Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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