I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
