So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
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He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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