I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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