she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
