The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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