So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
