Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
