You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
