Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
